Welcome to the ninth issue of Sketchy Scoops! You’re number one source for the most spurious content on the internet.
Gossip, Hearsay, and Scuttlebutt
What We’re Trying to Pass as Reporting. Not Guaranteed to be Factually Accurate— or even true.
Buc-ee’s on Every Block and Brisket in Every Pot
In a rare show of solidarity, members of both the vegetarian and vegan communities have united to release a statement condemning what they describe as the “deranged machinations” of
because of his expressed intent to place a Buc-ee’s within one hour of every person living on the planet. See below:In their statement, they characterized Mr. Bakers’ goals as an “Arms Race for Carnivores” and suggested that he envisions a widespread expansion of these “brisket distribution centers.” They are very concerned with the mass proliferation of increased convenience and easy access to meat-based foods.
Representatives from the National Cattlemen's Beef Association were not available to issue a public statement; however, several of them did reach out to me privately to support Mr. Baker’s “clear-sighted and innovative” initiatives. At this time they feel that releasing a formal statement would only complicate the issue and escalate the rhetoric between themselves and those who oppose everything for which they stand.
Additionally, representatives from Buc-ee’s were unaware of Mr. Baker’s statement, but they would like to remind everyone that franchising opportunities are available. If you’re interested, they ask that you contact them via the form on their website.
Mills Baker writes Sucks to Suck.
Scoop Reports: Caveat Venditor
I’d never been to El Metate, or for that matter, Hixson, Tennessee. So, when my latest lead asked me to meet him there, I was up for the adventure of trying something new. The restaurant is located in the same strip mall as Publix and a UPS Store. Not exactly a high-end establishment, but the place seemed crowded enough when I pulled up.
I grabbed a parking space out front and looked around for
. He’d asked me to meet him by the entrance. Buck was an intermediary. A friend of his, and former bandmate, had contacted him with some concerns that he wanted to share with the world.The two of them were already there when I walked up. Buck smiled and shook my hand. He thanked me for coming and then, introduced his friend named Charlie Tate. The three of us got a table and the waiter brought over chips and salsa.
Buck insisted that we try the queso because it was ‘one of the best things on the menu’. He was right. Not the very best queso I’ve ever had, but it’s tasty enough that drowning in it wouldn’t be the worst way to go. “Charlie, why don’t you tell me about your problem,” I said as I grabbed another chip.
“Buck and I’ve known one another for years. We were in the same Christian rock group for a while. But, ya know how bands are. We played a few gigs and then the band broke up. We were all too young. Buck was snatched up by a different group right after, but I never clicked with any of the groups that considered me. Eventually, I decided to just start my own. That’s how Cleft of the Rock was born.”
“Do you still play, Buck?” I asked; then, I shoved another nacho in my mouth.
“I played in this other group for a while. We toured the country and did okay, but eventually, I chose to make some changes in my life. I ended up leaving the professional music world, got married, and settled down to work as a college professor.”
Charlie spoke up again. The man clearly had a story he wanted to tell. “Starting Cleft was hard. I was writing all the songs myself. It was tough to find our sound, but it got closer with every new song. Eventually a type of clarity emerged, and I just understood who we were and what our sound was going to be, but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t nail the sound. I could hear what I wanted us to be in my head, but I couldn’t get it down on paper. I wasn’t even able to play it for the group. No matter what I did, that imagined ideal remained just out of reach.”
“That happens to a lot of bands,” Buck said. “Pretty common actually.”
Charlie turned to him and said, “I know, right? Happens all the time, but I didn’t want to happen to us. It’s impossible to tell you how much I wanted this band to succeed. I’d tried everything and even reached out to better musicians asking them to mentor me. All kinds of things, but at the end of the day nothing was working. Then, I had an idea.”
There was a look that passed between Buck and Charlie. This was the moment of truth, the underlying motive behind their summons was about to be revealed. I was about to hear the real reason for their call. “I’m almost afraid to ask, but what was the idea?”
“I decided to sell my soul for success. I wanted fame and fortune. I wanted to finally be the rock star I knew I could be.”
“Hold on a second,” I said. “You were in a Christian rock group. Doesn’t that seem a little counterintuitive? Kinda against the whole idea of what you were trying to represent. I mean doesn’t just being in a Christian rock group kinda imply that you are, ya know… a Christian?”
Charlie looked a little embarrassed. “You know how there are really great rock groups and there are mediocre rock groups? Then, there’s people who play at being musicians, but really they should put the instruments down because it’s just not them? Well, being in a Christian rock group is kinda like that. There are some people who are fantastic Christians. Some people who are okay Christians and others…” He looked to the side in embarrassment. “Others who just play at the idea. Truth is: I wanted to be a musician. The whole church thing was never for me, but Christian music gave me a way to play in a band.”
I nodded my head. “Okay. Makes sense… I guess,” I said. “But selling your soul? I mean that’s a big ask for anyone. I can’t believe you just jumped on the idea.”
“At first, I didn’t. The idea just hung there in the back of my mind. By then, we had a few songs together and had started to book some gigs. I thought we were decent, but it felt like we were forever stuck in these small venues.
“I tried to stay positive, but I’m not going to lie. That idea came back to me over and over during these times. And yet, I still found a way to convince the guys that it was just the normal career path for any band; we kept grinding. We played every chance we got and when we didn’t have a place to play we’d spend the time practicing.
“I spent as much of my time writing new songs and trying to find a way to connect with young people. The problem was that it just felt like nothing I did was working… at least, not to the extent that I wanted it to work. We’d been playing for three years and a few of the guys had started to talk about giving up. That was when I knew I had to do something. And I decided to act on my idea.”
“To be clear here, you’re talking about selling your sould to the Devil?” I asked.
Charlie nodded.
“So tell me how you went about making this deal.”
Charlie shrugged. “The normal stuff. Candles at midnight, chanting, chalk circles, parchment with the terms of our deal signed in my blood. I didn’t think it was going to work, but just as I finished signing the document it burst into flames and that’s when I knew my proposal had been accepted.”
“The very next day the song He Broke My Chains came to me. I wrote it in this white-hot burst of inspiration and knew immediately that I had something special. More than that, I’d found the sound that would define us.”
The waiter interrupted Charlie to refill our basket of chips and to tell us that our meals would be out shortly. After that was done, Charlie continued, “That song spread like wildfire among the ecumenical crowd. The thing that shocked all of us was that it even started getting some play on the radio— and not just Christian stations. They were playing it on mainstream rock stations too. Our albums started to chart on both Spotify and Apple Music. Not top of the charts numbers, but respectable.”
“Another week went by and then we started getting calls. We were asked to open for several more successful groups than us and eventually we started touring with groups that I’d only dreamed about playing with. Then, we started to book gigs on our own. After a year of playing at progressively larger venues, we started to get invitations to play in stadiums. Not the big football stadiums you see on TV but the orchestra halls, college stadiums, and places like that. It seemed like we were on our way.”
“Sounds like you got everything you asked for,” I said.
Charlie smiled in a way that seemed more bitter than happy. “For a while, it really did look that way, but then it tapered off and our ascent was checked. After eighteen glorious months, our careers had plateaued. Now, we’re in active decline. Every time I check our rankings, they seem to be a little lower than they had been the last time.”
Charlie gave Buck a tentative look and then returned his gaze to me. “We were ripped off. I want to get the word out so other people aren’t cheated the same way we were.”
“Wait… you think you were defrauded?”
“Yeah, man. I’m only forty-seven. I’ve got decades left and you’re telling me it’s over? I didn’t sell my soul for this! We were cheated.”
“Were you though? Aren’t you pretty much describing the life cycle of any Christian rock group?”
“He’s got a point, Charlie,” Buck said.
“I know. I know. But, it just doesn’t seem like enough. We don’t even have a platinum record. I wanted more than we got. I mean shouldn’t I have gotten more than that for my soul, man?”
“Seems like you should have put that in the contract.” I hated to say the words. They were so calloused and unyielding, but they just came out.
Charlie didn’t argue. He just hung his head and muttered, “I wanted to play in front of stadiums—not high school gymatoriums. ”
I hated to leave Charlie like that, but that’s a problem well above— or maybe below— my payscale. It’s not one that I can solve for him, but I can live up to the promise I made to him. I can share his story with you. And that’s the story as he related it to me, folks.
There’s a reason for the expression Caveat Emptor or Buyer Beware, but maybe we should also urge a little caution to the people who are doing the selling as well. Maybe something along the lines of Caveat Venditor or Let the Seller Beware. Make sure you read and understand not only the spirit of the contract, but also the exacting letter of the law because sometimes you will receive exactly what you ask for.
Buck Weiss writes It’s the Devil!
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A Note from the Editor
Thanks for reading. I appreciate all of the excitement and encouragement you folks have expressed and sent my way. If you know someone who would enjoy Sketchy Scoops, please tell them about the newsletter. Until next week remember the Citizen Journalist’s creed: If you see something, say something.
Without the details of the contract it's hard to say what is or isn't in it, but I'd like to side with artists against The Man. Total rip off to sell your soul and only got average success out of it, not even interesting drama to make money off of with a documentary. If Guitar Hero 3 is any indication a rock music battle should be enough to resolve the situation.
I'm glad you got on the Buc-ee's case. I'm not vegetarian or vegan, just concerned with the mass spread of a Texas based chain.
You captured the amazing ambiance and queso of El Metate very well. I might just sell my soul for that chips and cheese.